I’m terminally ill. I haven’t shared this with anyone online before. Being that this is my first time talking about all of this, I’m going to be as straight with you as I can be.
By now, you know I have a large brood. As a single mother of seven kids, I’ve learned all about ways to keep myself motivated in this new field of freelance writing. I can’t say it’s been easy to rear seven human beings into young adulthood. It’s been nearly impossible. I rely on my three teens more than I should, but I couldn’t do it without them.
The mayhem has a name. It’s crazy how something so small and meaningless can affect the course and duration of my time here. I love my life. I’m blessed beyond measure. I know, what mom doesn’t say that. But, I really have! These kids have been amazing. All their lives I’ve told my five daughters and two sons that they are (and should always be) all for one and one for all. They live by this.
When this crap finally kills me, they’ll live with their father, my estranged husband. He’ll take over and will have some enormous shoes to fill. As I’ve said before, I’m NOT a soccer mom. But, I am amazing! I know them. They know me. That’s far more than I had.
Stage Four Needs More
Stage four cancers, in general, need more funding, more research. We need cures. Be it breast cancer, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer, we all want to be here. Our minds are sharp, but our bodies have betrayed us in an ultimate way. It’s not fair! We didn’t ask for this. It’s 2015, and we’re still treating cancer the same way we did in the 50’s!! Here, in the land of iPhones and Androids, satellites and GPS, where is our solution? Where is the research to lend an answer to the question, “How long do I have, Doc?”
My useless body. I’m in constant pain. It never ends. I even dream dreams with it. It’s everywhere. Since my cancer is in my lymph nodes, bone marrow, and spine, the real question is, what doesn’t hurt? Once upon a time, I’d take it, brave and stoic. Eight years in, I cry when I need to and medicate accordingly. Judge away.
A writer’s ultimate treasure trove! It’s how I earn my living. This little bit of me that doesn’t hurt serves me well. It’s a talented and quick little bit of me that makes sense. It’s responsible for my acumen and sharp tongue, two things about me of which I’m most proud.
Pain Is the Universal Constant
Here I am, though. Pain and all. Right now, as I sit writing this, my hip hurts. The pain comes from the inside, inside the bone, and feels as if it will burst. I almost wish it would. Perhaps it’d feel better. I don’t fear pain. I tolerate it. It’s the universal constant. It’s the one aspect of the human condition we all can relate to. Who in their lives hasn’t felt the crippling sting of heartbreak or the pangs of hunger?
For as long as I can, I’ll keep doing what I do. Writing has proven to be therapeutic for me. I write better when my body hurts. It gives me an edge I cannot explain nor describe. It pushes me and holds me accountable by reminding me of how short my time here will be. I work harder because I hurt. My fingers type more accurately because of the throb in my side.
The Lesson Here
If your mind is willing, take advantage of it! Don’t waste the time you have here. Don’t become a slave to your circumstances. I haven’t.
In November, I changed my focus over to writing for the web. I chronicled my journey through Gina Horkey’s course, 30 Days or Less to Freelance Writing Success. The course made a difference in my life. I highly recommend it to people who want to take the proverbial bull by the horns and change the direction of their lives. You can read all about my project in my other blog called, My Sweet November.
The course motivated me to start an online business. It’s only a month old, but The Freelance Dance has already turned a profit! I did it. Anyone can.
I’ve decided to make the best of the time I have left. In March, I was told I wouldn’t make it six months. It’s now December. A full nine months of wrong is smeared across my doctors’ faces. I have plenty for which to fight. I have a brand new career, an enormous family, and hope. Hope is more than enough.